Grown Up and Yes Pregnant at 24!

Thirteen days from now, I will officially turn another year older. I will be 24 years old, and bursting with dreams. And yes, I am pregnant with lovely ideas, haha got you etchuserang froglets (rumormongers). Boyfriend nga wala pa akong balak, baby pa kaya (Um, let’s leave that untranslatable *winks*). I have these goals, these opportunities all within reach. Why am I telling you this? Because I just realized that I am all grown up.

There was a time when I really itched to own all that I wanted to have. I salivate over the breathtaking Christian Loboutin shoes, the beautiful Donna Karan, Carolina Herrera, Diane von Furstenberg, Calvin Klein dresses and gowns. And don’t get me started on the bags. Oh, the bags! If money grew on trees, I’d probably buy, among all the things I saw and loved, those that still run through my mind when I try to go to sleep at night.

But in the same way that I can happily window-shop, I can do the same online. I can look but not necessarily click and buy. Sure, I’ll splurge once in a while, but there are many things I can live without. Yes, I am all grown up because I really do not have to have every material thing my heart desires. Sometimes, dreaming about them is happiness enough. Looking at beautiful things can already be a joy in itself.

It’s nothing profound, but this insight has spawned the list I am sharing with you today. At 24, I know I am all grown up because:

1. I do not have to have everything I want.
2. I take saving for the future (seriously).
3. I actually ask God to help me honestly forgive those who hurt me (on my own, that can be hard to do).
4. My hair is still a mess but I can be unapologetic about my choices.
5. I truly welcome reunions because you want to touch base with people.
6. I make wish lists but they are just that: wish lists. They do not direct my life.
7. I don’t take life and myself too seriously.
8. I know that love is not a light word.
9. I can and will go out of my way to brighten a lonely person’s day.
10. It is a peaceful thought to know that not everything is about you.
11. I appreciate rituals and traditions enough to do what I can to make them live on.
12. I care about what happens to our country.
13. I have learned to budget.
14. I also know that “no budget” does not necessarily mean “no money.”
15. Spending hard-earned money pinches.
16. I start remembering and applying all that Mom and Dad have taught me.
17. I have learned to really linger over a cup of coffee.
18. I savor experiences, moments, people.
19. I live the present moment as fully as I can.
20. There is this urge to stretch beyond your comfort zone.
21. The fear of failure does not stop you from trying out new things.
22. I can find it in myself to gracefully acknowledge all the lessons buried beneath every pain.
23. I choose my battles.
24. It’s easy for me to choose to rise above petty people, petty situations.

Rise Above the Pain

Too many things happened that I have yet to come to terms with fully: Loved ones suffering, close friends dying, friendships severed, confidences betrayed, accidents happening one after the other, lives lost, dreams shattered.


There was just too much of it.

There are no words. Even the most jaded heart will bleed at the plight of the victims. Reeling from disbelief at a tragedy that should happen only in the grandest of movies, 8 Hong Kong national lives have been lost. In its wake, the images haunt and will continue to do so.

Tragedy, after all, is relative. So is sadness. So, too, is pain. I cannot begin to imagine where and how the victims of all these tragedies can start picking up the fragments of their lives, much less take the baby steps towards moving on. Will they ever be whole again?

I have been hurt deeply a few times – by friends, loved ones and strangers alike. Perhaps I am not as wounded as others and I admit my troubles may not be as great as that of others. But I have been acquainted with pain enough times for me to know what it really feels like.

Only then did it become so apparent that like many other things, forgiving is always easier said than done. It sounds nice, so ideal and serene, but in the midst of deep pain, heck, it is almost always the last thing you would think of doing.

We all relate to the experience personally, in measures that may differ like night and day, but looking forward hopefully we can rise above pain. Please, dear God, let us be wiser, let this experience be enough to wake us all up from deep sleep, and pretend sleep.

Meanwhile, let us all be one as President Aquino has declared a day of national mourning today. In all things big and small, in the midst of muddle, God help us all.

Ramadan

What do you know, this is my first Ramadan. The holy month of fasting for the followers of Islam, which have started officially last Wednesday (11th). During Ramadan, Muslims are not allowed to drink, eat, or smoke from sunup to sundown. In Muslim countries, there is a slowing in the pace and ritual of daily life to accommodate people’s hunger and lower energy levels. In fact, in some countries, eating and drinking in public places, even for non-Muslims, is discouraged if not prohibited.


Working here in Dubai, I was exposed to Islamic beliefs and practices, which I have learned to respect and, in many instances, even admire. (Interestingly, it appears that my exposure to Islamic faith has made me appreciate my religion more and has enabled me to be more tolerant of other people’s beliefs, religious or otherwise).

I had been born into a Catholic family but my being Christian is more than a mere accident of birth — it is also the faith I choose. My faith is a great source of comfort for me. I doubt I would have been able to face the challenges in my life if it were not for my faith. It is a faith that encourages acceptance and grace. When I have to face life’s disappointments, surrendering and knowing that all are part of a divine plan is incredibly comforting and provides me perspective.



I’m sure that we all have our own reasons for our choice of faith and we must all respect and celebrate those choices. Whatever your faith is, what is vital is that you choose it — meaning you are committed to your faith and you make it a part of your life. Commitment does not mean having a perfect faith or living a perfect life. It is an aspect of the human condition that we all will fail in our religious duties. I believe that being committed to your faith means that you strive to be the best Muslim, Christian, Jew or Buddhist that you can be. Just imagine how much better this world would be if the majority of Muslims and Christians actually lived their faith and genuinely practiced the virtues of love, kindness and charity that are the hallmarks of all great religions.

LIVE

I myself do not know why I said yes to be here, the 9th SFC UAE National Conference.. why do I do this to myself? Let’s backtrack a little here. The past two, maybe three years for me have been growing-up years. By that I mean I have made a conscious attempt to stretch my personal limits away from my comfort zone and lie-low in the community CFC - Singles For Christ (Manila) after my Youth For Christ (Albay) years.

But I have often wondered, albeit passively, why most stories of my life always unfold with this community (especially my YFC years), as a verdant backdrop; wondered, too, why the memories fluidly and richly roll out, in neat bundles and stacked heaps, tied warmly with strings of emotion, when an event is remembered, the experience of it all rekindled.
Maybe it is because when I remember the experiences i had with this community it is, to me, never about just that. Always, it is also about the many different people I shared my life with, and the celebration of life and love with its convoy of rides flittering between triumphs and pains.

Yes, I love this community, the same way other people love to cook, daydream, and shop. When traveling, and for someone who loves fashion as much as I do, I would much rather choose sleep over a shopping spree before lunch, but I would sleepily rise from bed to enjoy and serve the youth camps for the KFC (Kids for Christ), or YFC. I find them irresistible.

Again, I say I love this community. My grandest dream is to go on and be a FTPW (Full Time Pastoral Worker), it soothed my heart and all the way to my fingers and toes. I’ve wanted to be able to serve, anytime that the moment calls for, deftly and effortlessly so that anyone who sees me would believe that, yes, oh yes, God is good and it is good to LIVE. This community is a place where good cheer float in the air, a quiet embrace that sets off feelings so positive and so beautiful, you wish the moment can just go on forever.

That said, although I can dream all I want, acceptance is a must and I have come to terms with the realities of life. My attempts for the missionary work have left me bemused, bothered, and bewildered. Nursing has been much kinder, don’t ask me why.

We all have to do things we would rather not do but need to do. I have a wonderful job, yes, there are portions of it I am not entirely comfortable with. But that’s okay. I would like to think that it stretches me in ways that both empower and enrich. It is empowering, not because you think you did a mighty fine job but because you had the courage to at least give it your best shot. That makes the experience enriching. That is the part of it that makes the heart soar.

In the same breath, I think you will agree with me that it is no coincidence, really. Maybe I keep on doing this to myself because I know I can always pray boldly, anchoring my confidence not in myself but in God’s ability to watch over and take care of everything that concerns me; yes, even if it is a matter as petite as seeing me through for all my ignorant “yeses” have entailed. For things both big and small there is always Him. That makes for a thought that never fails to bring peace to my heart.

My Notebook with Abaca-gilded Edges

There are times when I sit before my macbook with nothing before me. The words do not come, and though I have a million little stories that I want to share, I seem to always be at a loss as to how to tie them together and pass them on in a way that is not hodgepodge or soupy.

Today is another one of those days. I just woke up after a restful 10-hour sleep and I want to take you to the many little places in my little life. But where do I begin? Where do you even want to go in the first place? Boracay, where I long to go for my vacay? Day/night shift at American hospital which is such a thrill? The wonderful new book I am reading or the one I just finished that made me cry? Do I share with you the fun lunch date we had yesterday? The yummy espresso with a shot of nestle chocolate quick I had with my best buddies via net last night. Or do I tell you about how some things happen instantly and how most others need a process? Do I let you in on God’s mysterious but wonderful ways or how it is a blessing in itself just to be?

I try to think of you like a girlfriend. I can tell you whatever, share with you stuff from two different points plus everything in between and trust that at some point you will find the information useful.

For now, let me tell you about this little notebook with abaca-gilded edges I have. It is like a journal of some sort except that I do not make regular entries. Let me correct myself. The entries are so irregular that they skip not just days but weeks. And instead of long, sudsy essays the pages of my notebook showcase lists, wish lists, if you can call them that. I have random thoughts scribbled as well, including catchy phrases that I have caught and never want to let go of. Thoughts captured from the pages of a book, the mouth of children so pure of heart, the lips of a person just healed from his/her brokenness.

In my notebook, too, are pictures. Happy faces and fat hearts that dance with the ruffling of the pages, a seascape and what also looks like a landscape, tickets from the most memorable places i have been (i have a fondness for them). I have many lists of things and people I am thankful for, written at many different times, lots of different moods.

I once read Bo Sanchez’s book, Simplify and Live the Good Life and in there is an exercise where he asks the reader to list down 50 blessings he/she enjoys each day. In the next breath he says to not stop until you reach 50. Try it. You will be surprised how fast you will fill up the page. You’ll even be surprised to find out you cannot stop at just fifty!

Back in college I was so traumatized when I found out my mum read my diary, slipping in uninvited, unwanted into the space of my little dreams, my random little thoughts and though she did not find anything more juicy than why I did not enjoy about that particular cheerleading, why I liked the guy in our subdivision that everyone else thought looked odd (I always liked the ones that did not fit the standard the same way I swooned more over long hair or clean shave guys than the typical matcho gwapito). As if that were not enough, an aunt of mine pulled the same stunt my mum did, prying open my drawer and teaching me a lesson I never forgot about the invasion of privacy.

I told myself I would never give anyone that satisfaction, that chance again. It was then that I learned to write cryptically until I lost all enthusiasm for that because years later I could no longer make heads and tails of who and what I was writing about in the first place. So, I went back to writing in my journal the normal, transparent way, thoughts bare-naked. Except now I do it in the form of lists. Should my notebook fall into the wrong hands, chances are they will enjoy my list and hopefully be inspired to start their own. No deep secrets etched in long, languid words, just secret wishes from my heart succinctly stated in snappy one-liners.

The best part? I get to check them as I go along life’s way. On pages one and two which had an entry date of October 21, 2005, 13 out of 20 already came to be. It’s like a flower seed that you plant. You wait and wait for it to bloom and grow and one day you just wake up, look out in the garden and realize it already has. You may not always be aware of the steady development occurring but you have to believe it is taking place.

So with our dreams. We pray about them, we sometimes forget we ever even wanted them, and one day we realize it is already there. God heard us when we whispered. And He did not forget even when we did.

I go through the pages of my notebook now and realize yet again, I do have so, so much to be thankful for. As such, I do have lots to share with you.

Birth Pains

I’ve always love babies and I’m always fascinated by them. These days, I am bursting at the seams with a kind of happiness that sits squarely in the heart. I am speaking about my love, adoration, delight and fascination for Reign, my first niece born 4 days ago whom I proudly conceptualized the name, “Reginauh Sofia”, combination of her mom and dad’s name (Rey and Elvie), my aunt’s name (Genie) since they got the same birthdate, and from my late lola (Aurora), in her remembrance. Sofia means wisdom, her big brother is Bo which means love, love and wisdom connive together. But let me tell you, there was tons of options before the couple decided for the final name. My relatives though are calling her many names now — reign, momay, anak, love, darling and many other terms of endearment that they find spontaneously and unabashedly using.

The best times are those ushered in by spontaneity like leaves that fall to the ground and are blown gently into the pathway of the day by the wind. John Stuart Mill once said, "You will inhale happiness with the air you breathe, without dwelling on it or thinking about it." The same could be easily said of the blessing that is a child.


Well.What do you know. This 4kg baby girl came earlier than expected (by ultrasound, her mom is due middle of July). Birth pains. After the pains, her mom and the rest of our clan are savoring the joys which now abound!

Just the same, I am optimistic about the birth of our new government. There is something about the entire campaign, the conduct of the elections and the results, that has given people a sense of hope for the future. Like everyone else, I am hopeful as we are poised once again to fulfill a great renewal, a promise to aspire and be better versions of what we are, if not the best we can ever be. Let us, each one of us, take full responsibility for the change we wish for our country. President Noynoy alone will not save us. Only we, moving as one, can. Let us not fail ourselves this time.

Oh, my darling baby Reign. Don’t you know that you mean the world to your mom and dad, your Kuya Bo and to me? If only I had the mutant powers to bend the laws of physics so that I could go home right this time just to smother you with my big, sloppy kisses, then that is all I would do.